A Letter to My Laundry…

Can you tell if these FOUR baskets of laundry that have been sitting in my hallway for a week are clean or dirty? Why we have so many laundry baskets, I have no idea!

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Dearest Laundry:

Why do you look at me so….menacingly? What did I ever do to you? Just because of that one time in college when I used powdered detergent?

You just sit there – smug – waiting to be attended to…I hear your rants: “wash me, fold me, and put me away!”

Well, tell me, laundry, just how can I keep up with you? Before I know it, you’ve multiplied. I didn’t know that this was how our relationship would turn out. How was I supposed to know that you have such a fast metabolism? How do I get rid of your incessant piling up?

Sincerely,

Inner Housewife

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Dear Inner Housewife:

Why did you ignore my friend request? We already have so many friends in common – you can trust me. As to your message, you misread me. I am not here to antagonize you but to teach you the deeper meaning of life’s purpose. “Life is a journey, not a destination” – you’ve heard that popular and pithy phrase, haven’t you? In fact I’ve heard you say that to your daughter when she is pining for desert.

Just be one with me and accept my ways – for that, dear inner housewife, is the true meaning – this is why we are here.

Regards,

Laundry

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Dear Laundry:

Suck it.

Sincerely,

Inner Housewife

p.s. I am not going to “friend” you.

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My inner housewife goal for this week (and future weeks) is to find a way to keep the laundry in its place. Right now, I am not in control of laundry, Laundry is in control of me. I remember how my Grandma Rose used to wash all the laundry by hand in her kitchen sink in Brooklyn, NY and hang it outside to dry (I really did watch her do this). There’s no way she could have kept up with all the laundry that I have using that method but she had 3 kids and I only have 2. So something doesn’t add up to me. Something is fishy here. I know what I am going to do, I am going to call her:

Ring, ring…

GRANDMA ROSE: Honey, how are you? You know, you and your family should be so happy, God Willing.

ME: Grandma, remember how you used to hand wash all the laundry? How did you keep the laundry under control in your house?

GRANDMA ROSE: in my time, when my sons were still in diapers, I had to boil the diapers! I used to wash all the clothes in ivory soap and rinse them well.

ME: did you make the kids wear the same clothes so that you didn’t have to wash them all the time?

GRANDMA ROSE: no! no, they wore everyday new clothes. i used to wash every day – yes i washed every day.

ME: wowww, so that’s how you kept up with it – you washed clothes EVERY DAY!? (inner voice: yikes, that doesn’t sound very glamorous or liberated).

GRANDMA ROSE: it was very hard, it wasn’t easy. because you have a machine and you have a drier too, right?

ME: oh, yeah, i do have a washer and dryer, well now i just feel like a loser Grandma.

GRANDMA ROSE: but you have a baby, it’s a lot more laundry.

ME: true, true, thanks grandma. I can always count on you to help me justify and rationalize my slacking.

GRANDMA ROSE: so how’s the baby?

Boy, the Grandma Rose method – laundry EVERY DAY – doesn’t sound good to me. If you have any better ideas or strategies that work for you, my inner housewife is dying to know…