Identity

My friend J.C. asked me today “how are things going with your new identity?”

During the first four months of my pregnancy with our second baby, Eli, I spent a fair amount of energy concerned with the impending identity crisis that would inevitably come from having two kids and a Volvo or mini-van. My questions ranged from:

Would I ever read a book again that wasn’t about parenting as a verb? Being home all day, would I eat my own lunch and my kids’ lunch, gain 20lbs. and start watching Ellen on a daily basis? Who would I talk to? What the hell would I do all day (remember: my skill set as a natural domestic goddess leave me with much to be desired)? Do Volvo’s have seat-warmers?

Despite real living examples of many dear friends who are employing various wonderful models of how to make family life meaningful and enjoyable, I found myself writing a story of what life “must” be like for a housewife and stay-at-home Mom – it was a role where I couldn’t imagine being cast – I just couldn’t see myself clearly in it.

Well, two kids later (but no minivan… …yet) I’ve sort of arrived at the moment I feared – the “who am I now?” fork-in-the-road. But…

…it feels different than I expected. It’s scary but not exactly frightening; daunting but not really insurmountable; uncomfortable but…

…profound.

One the plus side…

One piece of this I didn’t realize is the remarkable experience I am having just being a mommy to Gabi (4 ½) and Eli (12 weeks) – I’m falling in love with being a mommy. How deeply grateful I feel to be in the beautiful position of being a mother to two incredible individuals. I find myself enjoying each extraordinary moment getting to be “mommy” most of the time. I enjoy breaks too of course – being a wife, being a sister, a daughter, a friend, a social organizer, a soon-to-be booty camp member, a “Stef” -- but I also especially like simple tasks such as…

…making Gabi’s bed in the morning. It’s as if I discovered a different dimension to myself; sometimes, I feel like I can channel a piece of motherhood bliss from Kanga (Roo’s mama in Winnie-the-Poo). And, the thing is, I never thought of myself this way; but here I am discovering, enjoying, and bathing in it. In the first four year stretch of motherhood when I had just had Gabi, I was working, interning, and still maintaining a decent social life. I don’t intend to give up any of these things forever but I realize sometimes when I am making Gabi an omelet for breakfast or reading a book to Eli, that it’s just sort of nice to do these things without ALSO having to also get transformed into “work” mode.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy my professional identity and challenges, experiences, whatnot…

…I’ve been very fortunate to work for amazing causes, with incredibly inspiriting people – colleagues and clients – but, I am just sayin’ – I used to feel like a was literally juggling all the time, with this impending worried feeling: one wrong move, one hand out of place, and the whole dance is coming down. With one kid and an equal partner in marriage, I managed to keep it going -- but with two – whew – I wasn’t ready to take on that song n dance.

On the minus side…

…so, here I am – making this choice to be home. For now. But, it’s hard mentally. I am driven. I am curious. I am scared. Scared that I may lose the me I know and have worked hard to become. I worry about the future and what will happen if I get too far away from the rest of the working world.

I made this choice because I didn’t want to make decisions about life out of a place of fear. I wanted to make them out of love. From this place of love, I am choosing to be a housewife, a full time mommy - In doing so, I am realizing that something can be right for me but still be uncomfortable. I’m glad I learned this now so that I can teach it to my kids.

Am I alone in this? How do you reconcile these identity issues?